My pain. My struggles. My joy

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Life has been tough on me, no doubt about that. Discouragements, frustrations, mockery, ridicule, stagnations, cycles of failure, lack and want, unending battles, confusions, doubts, uncertainties and misunderstandings, have all graced my young life. Many are times I have been mad at myself, parents, friends, relatives, the whole world, life and God Himself. I have been in despair, hopeless and helpless. There are times I have honestly thought that my life has become useless and that I will never amount to anything.

Low self-esteem and insecurities have been the order of the day in my life. I have been totally crushed, hit the rock bottom, given up on myself and thought, “I am done”. Life, for the longest time possible has become a mystery; a mystery I have been unable to solve, no matter how much hard I have kept on trying. I have lived for years without money, literally living and eating from other people’s pockets. I have lived for years without anyone to call a friend.

I have tried many things: starting businesses both online and offline, and I have watched them all crumble right before my eyes. Many of them never lived to see the light of the day. I have sent a thousand and one job applications which resulted to few interviews, which I failed flat face. The longest I was employed was only three months. My job came to an abrupt end without warning. One day I walk into the office in the morning and am told, “we don’t need your services any longer”. Was I expecting it? No. I can’t even remember doing anything that could have led to my dismissal. Since then, tough times have become the order of the day in my life. More than once, I was offered job opportunities which ended up being cancelled before the reporting date. I tried freelance jobs, but even in this I failed. Maybe I gave up so easily, but would you blame me? I couldn’t afford 10 bob credit for my own phone, leave alone the money to go to the Cyber.

Doors have been closing before me at the highest rate possible. What’s wrong with me? Am I cursed, bewitched or something? Is this my life or am I living someone else’s life? Who really is on my case? Who is after me? What sin did I commit? Why does it seem that many have it all, but mine is a hard nut to crack? What am I supposed to do with my life? Who am I really? Times without number, I have asked myself these questions knowing too well that I don’t have answers​.

I have constantly watched people walk up and down the streets and admired their lives. I have wished to have just a little of what they have. I have questioned myself, life and God too. It’s been tough; crazy even; overwhelming, exhausting and tiring. Yes, I have been worn out so many times and wished to end it all because I long so much for rest. But through it all, I have come to understand one thing: God always sustains a man. Through all these, even though I have questioned and doubted Him, He has sustained me and kept me from falling. Otherwise I would have fallen apart a long time ago.